You're scrolling through Instagram and everyone seems to have the blueprint figured out. Your mate from uni just got promoted. Your ex is engaged. Your cousin just bought a house. and you're sitting here wondering where the roadmap went.

You’re 23, 25, 27. old enough that people ask “so what are your plans?” like you should know by now. Young enough that you're supposed to have time to figure it out. You're caught in this weird middle space that does not feel right but you can't quite name what's wrong.

I get it because I've been there. I did exactly what I was supposed to do. Good grades, right university, completed my training degree, landed my first “proper” job as a therapist. Had all the boxes ticked. Then I remember sitting at my desk thinking I followed the entire road map and I still have no idea who I actually am or what I actually want and everyone around me seems to have settled into their identity and I was still feeling lost. The difference was that I'd run out of steps to follow.

The anxiety isn't really about the job or the relationship status or where you're living it's deeper than that. is about the pressure to have a fixed identity, a clear sense of who you are, locked into place  while everything around you is still shifting. 

What's actually happening is that you're in this messy middle of becoming yourself and no one prepares you for how confusing that can be.

The thing about identity development 

Psychologists have a concept called “identity formation”. It is basically the process of figuring out who you are, what you value, and where you fit in the world. It is supposed to happen in your teens and 20s but the catch? It's not supposed to be linear. It's definitely not supposed to be quick and it's most certainly not supposed to look like someone else's journey.

However the truth is we live in a world where everyone is broadcasting the highlight reel at the exact moment we're trying to figure out who we actually are. You're comparing your messy middle chapter to someone else's final polished copy so of course it's natural to feel behind. 

The Pressure is Real

The message you've been fed your whole life is that by your mid 20s you should know your career path, being in a stable relationship, and how some kind of five-year plan basically, having your life consolidated into something that makes sense.

Except you're coming to realise that life doesn't actually work that way. You change careers and now you feel like you've wasted time. You're still single and your friends are all in relationships. You move back home and feel like you're failing. You're making decent money but you're not passionate about it. You're passionate about something but it doesn't pay the bills. Nothing feels like the right fit because you're still figuring out what “right" even means to you and instead of treating this as a normal part of growing up that it truly is, you're treating it like evidence that you're falling behind.

The truth is you’re just not performing the version of "success" that gets algorithmic visibility, that's it.

What Nobody Says Out loud 

The truth is that most people in their 20s are anxious. Most people are unsure and most people are scared they've made the wrong choice (I’ve certainly thought this more times than I'd like to admit) or that they're running out of time or that everyone else has cracked some code that was never given to them.

The thing is you're exactly where you're supposed to be which is in the process of becoming and that doesn't make you behind. The anxiety that you're constantly feeling is about you outgrowing old versions of yourself whilst trying to figure out what comes next and that's uncomfortable and confusing but it's also completely normal.

Although I can appreciate when you're sitting alone with it, comparing yourself to everyone else's version of life and wondering if you should have your life together by now is where the anxiety grows and remains and that’s hard. 

If you're feeling lost, behind, or unsure about who you are you're not alone in that. Therapy isn't about getting you back on track or fixing the fact that you don't have your figured out but it's rather having someone to sit with you in that messy middle and help you understand what's actually driving the anxiety underneath.

If you do want to explore what's really going on beneath the surface, I'd like to talk with you.  A free 15-minute consultation is just a space to be honest about where you're at and how I could potentially support you just as I have with many clients.

Book your consultation whenever you're ready.